A Pitstop in my Journey
I wonder if spiritual maturity and journey has anything to do with how “old” you are. I’ve been following Christ for 9 1/2 years, and I’ve started to feel uncontent. Don’t get me wrong, God has been great to me; i surely have no complaints about that. At first I thought my uneasy, jolted, somewhat dispondent feeling towards God had something to do with this past year of unknowing and confusion. But, we have been on the other side of that for a little over a month now, and the feeling is not changing. And by “feeling”, I’m not talking about emotion, but about that thing in the depth of your soul. Even if this past year has something to do with it, it’s not all that is going on inside me.
When I was in eighth grade, I was introduced to a God who would help make me good. On the outside, I looked like a very, very good kid. Straight A’s, good friends, a homebody, eager to please. But not many knew the ugliness of my past- my sin, my mistakes, my thoughts. No one. Well, except a few people who participated in that junk with me. So, in eighth grade, I knew that I was going to have to pay for all of that stuff, and I was scared. I needed a Savior. And Jesus so kindly opened his arms to me, even if i had mixed motives. And that was good, very good.
Now I’m not content with being good. I look at many students around me who just want to be “good” too. And I want to shake them and tell them to do something crazy- even be “bad”, I don’t care, but just stop being “good”. Of course that’s not the right response, but it’s where I’m at. I want to see people either love Jesus and LIVE their lives for Him, or to stop. Be bad. Be who you are on the inside. Don’t play the game.
This attitude, i’m sure, is a result of what God is doing in my heart (isn’t it always like that? whatever we are being taught, we think everyone needs to learn it too?). I don’t want to just be made good. I want to be a part of a movement that has some sort of meaning and purpose. And I need to see that tangibly.
I desperately need a community of faith with people my age and older (as well as younger).
I desperately need adventure. And I need God to show me how he has designed Jake and I- and how to be obedient to that when there’s so many adventures going on. We need to be shown our place in all of it.
I desperately need the courage to forge ahead in the present, to live faithfully and obedient where I am, where God has me. I don’t always want to.
Honestly, I don’t want to tell people how to be made good. Yuck. I’m not content with that, why in the world would I want to tell others about it? When people see my life, is that something that they are going to want? Do I live life in such a way that people want Jesus? I remember listening to a leader in the Christ-following movement being interviewed, and he was asked if he gets worn out by all the travelling and stuff. He said no, that it energized him, that he loves life and is excited to wake up each day and see what God has in store for him that day.
I want that. I’m bored.
June 15th, 2006 at 12:42 pm
Good thoughts Tiffy
November 21st, 2006 at 2:09 pm
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