A New Day

Wow, thanks to all the comments on the last post. I’m thankful for this community of wise people. We are talking as a staff about how to take the next step forward in this, and much of what you have told me i have repackaged as my own and talked about it to them. Never underestimate the value of other people’s perspectives. A wise [wo]man surrounds him/herself with counselors.

On another note, i’m at a conference for people who spend their days doing the same thing I do. It’s been very encouraging to hear the victories and struggles of others around the nation. The victories have been more encouraging to me than the struggles this time around. It’s catapulted me forward in my heart…that there are things I’m not doing that are possible and are needed, and it’s up to me to start doing those things.

And I been exposed to myself by my creator. He’s showing me things about myself that He didn’t create me to do. And things i’m doing that are hurting the family I’m in community with. I just needed to be called out on it, instead of getting permission to keep on doing it.

I feel ready to die. And ready to live.

I’ve been very discouraged by the lack of men in the collegiate campus ministry I’m on staff at…. we have some awesome guys, but most don’t really want to do anything that is not “fun”. Our leadership team is probably 80-85% women. I dont really understand why. I know that it’s not only a problem here, but in many local bodies around the nation. Can someone help me understand this? Why are men so afraid to lead? And why do women have to step up and do take on a majority of leadership for the men?

I feel very grieved. I dont think this is how things we’re designed to be.

I’ve been noticing that many people who love adventure and excitement are having a particularly hard time living out the “christian life”. I don’t like that it happens like that. We’ve tried to sterilize life as christians. No more fun. Seeking God seems to become hard work. Ugh! It shouldn’t. Where has all the adventure gone in our lives? Didn’t Jesus come to BRING life? So why do people feel like they have to step outside of an obedient life to get adventure? I’m not saying that I can’t understand it, because honestly, I can.

Jesus, show us the abundant life!! You have to show us what this can look like in our lives. Because i know that you want us to live life to the fullest. Revive the Church with your adventure and excitement.

It makes me sad. Please help your Bride!!

What is better than finding a good used book store?? I’m not really sure that I’ve found anything this side of heaven ;).

Today we were finally able to catch this book store at a time when it was open. That IS, by the way, a classic quality to have– odd, random hours.

I wish i would have had my camera, because i would have taken a picture of us with the lady that ran it. She was a talkative older woman….long skirt, long grey hair, little dog at her feet, wanting to help us in whatever way she could. Although we came 5 minutes before it closed, she turned on all the lights again for us so we could browse.

Tons of books. Books in front of books. Books stacked to the ceiling (too bad i’m so short– it limits my selection). Your eyes scanning, unable to really have good conversation with the person whom you came with because your brain is just processing the titles quickly….and then you see it– a book that you’ve been looking for..or maybe not even looking for, but when you see it, you know you have to have it. Ahhh…what a fabulous moment.

As we check out, she writes the books we bought in a notebook by hand, telling us the price as she goes. Of course, while she’s writing, she also has a lot of questions and some stories to tell. Her first husband being in the Vietnam war….the local easter pageant we just “have to stay for”….our life dreams…route 7 in arkansas….

As we’re waving good-bye, I feel like i’m saying good-bye to a new friend, and as we walk out, I’m suddenly transported back to real life. It kinda seemed like a dream….

I think I’m falling for Kenya. Last night Jake and I watched “I Dreamed of Africa”, which really made me excited to go there!! It seems kinda adventorous, which is the scary part for me. I’m not necessarily one that enjoys taking risk by nature.

I love the terrain. I think i love the culture. The people are beautiful. I really like Swahili and want to begin learning it more. I mean, i’m not even sure what i’d do there! I’m just drawn. And I know that Jake has the desires to do translation stuff in africa…and nairobi, kenya has a international seminary there where translation is one of the degrees one could get. The tuition is inexpensive compared to American seminaries, which is a fun benefit!! (aka, if we saved up before we went, we wouldn’t have to go into debt at all for the degree).

I’ve been spending the last hour or so googling different things about Nairobi….oh dear! It seems so wonderful!! The Lord has awhile to guide us and direct us in this though….it doesn’t seem like we’d be going tooooo soon, which is good because I’m enjoying the place the Lord has me ministering now. I wouldn’t want to jump ahead of Him. I still have a lot to learn– spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

God is really taking Jake and I through the fire of adversity. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, they say. (who is “they”?? *smile*)…. aye aye aye. Sometimes the grief seems so deep. I’m learning a lot about suffering, and the need and goodness of it. I long to follow Christ, imitating Him and bringing glory and fame to His Name. How can I imitate Him if I avoid suffering? His life was filled with suffering…He had no place to lay His head…he was often filled with grief, and i’m sure He was lonely at times (wait, can God be lonely??)….Jesus knew what it was like to be rejected again and again…He knew what it was like to stand up for something that few could understand, and he suffered immensley on the cross, taking all of the sin of mankind so that we might LIVE. Ahhh, how wonderful! but…how hard as we try and follow in His steps.

Our lives are to be marked with suffering….i’ve been a believer for 9 years, and this is the first sense of deep suffering that I’ve felt. The first time that I couldn’t stop standing up for something, or “kiss and make up” with someone, or manipulate a situation so the suffering could end. The first time I’ve had to surrender to God again and again, awaiting the outcome, and trying to live fully everyday in the in-betweens. Always hoping. Always trusting. but still knowing that things don’t have to get better.

Last night at the place I work, we had a bunch of kids from a local children’s home over to celebrate easter. After the egg hunt, coloring of easter eggs, and kids movie, the band got up to play a few praise songs. One of the girls behind me who was probaby 8 or 9, got up, went to the front of the room by the stage, and started dancing with one of the little girls. Then, one-by-one, some of the other little kids got up to dance and lean on the stage, gazing at the band and clapping their hands. Let me tell you, it was a sight to see. All the rest of the college students and the older kids stayed in their seats, sitting, until the band asked us to stand. I think the kids loosened us up a bit as the songs went on, but for the most part, the kids were expressing their uninhibited worship to God through singing and dancing.

Oh that we would come to him with faith like a child, dancing before him out of our love and joy and peacefulness…..

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be:
01:02:03 04/05/06

I gave 10 inches to locks of love. Here are the before and after pics!!

“…For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.” (1 co. 1.8b-11)

I remember the day that God gave me this passage to pray back to Him. It was when all of this was beginning to happen…in July, when i was laying by the pool while jake was out doing his army stuff in farmington. God emphasized verse 11 in my heart. If you pray, please pray for jake and i.

I’ve gotten to hang out with my husband for a whole week!! It’s been really good, considering we have lived in two separate places for approximately 9 months. I’m nervous/excited to hear what the decision was about Jake’s case. I trust God that He will work out the details. Help my unbelief!

I’ve had a lot of internal dialogue (monologue?) lately, and it’s been really hard for me to express it well. Some of it has been attitudes and feelings that I don’t want to have. I’m reminded over and over of my “scarcity mentality”. God provides the resources (time, service, money, etc) to provide for what he has set out to do. I’ve been feeling like others have been “grabbing up” the resources where I am, and while I’m trying to build a team, it’s hard when others are building theirs too. I get angry/frustrated when I feel like I’m forced to look out for myself because others are looking out for themselves. I know, I know, I know that God just because the Lord blesses someone with something doesn’t mean that He won’t provide for me too. He is infinite, as are His resources.

It’s hard being the newbie too. I don’t have a lot of experience, and I’m the youngest on the team. I desire to do better, but right now I’m not sure how to develop myself. I long for a mentor, but as of now, the Lord has not brought one into my life. Which is fine, He knows best. I continue to look and pray though.

Other parts of the dialogue in my head has been very fun to think about and very mind-stimulating. I’ve been starting to wonder what God has for our next step. Being intentional about reflecting on the ideas and dreams and desires and holy discontents that the Lord has given me. How do those things work together? I’m afraid that I will not reach for my dreams because I’ve been taught to be practical. I need to figure out what those dreams are. A lot of soul-searching and praying for guidance. Brainstorming about the future. The world looks so big right now. So many interests and desires, but still we need to decide on one thing.

The world is our playground.